The time has come, the rabbi said...

I went for a meeting with my sponsoring rabbi yesterday (henceforth to be known as Rabbi T [not her real initial]). Her assistant met me at the top of the stairs and let me know that Rabbi T had tried to come in, but was so sick she had to turn around and go home, and would I be willing to talk to her on the phone?

Oh, sure, I was already there anyway.

So I went into the conference room and got on the phone with the rabbi, who did sound like she felt miserable. We talked a bit, and she said that it would be fine with her if I wanted to ask the other rabbi I'd talked to (henceforth to be known as Rabbi L) if she would work with me until I was ready.

"I am ready," I said, without thinking about it. "Most of the time, I forget I haven't converted yet. It's really only when I'm talking to someone about their Jewish childhood experiences that I remember I'm not Jewish. But now I'm ready."

"Yes. I think you are ready," she said.

Now, I've been claiming (to others) that I've been ready for years. I think in many ways, that was true. A couple of my other JBC (Jewish By Choice) friends have said that becoming Jewish was less of a choice than a discovery; it's a process of uncovering who we've been all along. In that sense, I think I've always been Jewish.

But this time, when I told the rabbi that I feel ready now, those words weren't coming from a place of defensiveness like they have been for so long. They came from somewhere deeper and truer, and I don't really have the words to explain beyond that.

After we hung up, I sat and and tried to pray* and cried a little. I had no idea what a weight I've been carrying around; living as a Jew without having undergone the conversion process was a burden. I thought that by now, the ceremony would seem anti-climactic; I've been identifying as a Jew for what seems like YEARS (it's really only been a couple years, and it has, of course, been a journey), but the relief and joy I felt at realizing that now is the time completely surprised me.

So now it remains to get my best friend here from halfway across the country (exciting!), schedule the Bet Din (scary!) , go to the mikveh (wet!) and have the conversion ceremony itself at the synagogue (unknown quantity!). Also a party (drinks!).

I managed to just be happy about this for almost two whole hours before I started fretting about logistics. I'm quite pleased with myself.

*My prayer style tends towards that of Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof. Seems to be a very Eastern European shtetl way of relating to the Divine.