Reframing

I had a long talk with one of our rabbis the other day, the upshot of which is that she's going to help reconnect me with the rabbi with whom I'm really supposed to be working, so that's all good.

In the course of our rambling (due entirely to me) conversation, I mentioned how I often feel like I really have no right to claim Judaism because the Jewish story is not my story. Her take on it is that, other than blood family, nobody starts out in a community; we develop our own communities and enter others through conversation and shared experience. She likened converting to Judaism to becoming part of another person's family through marriage; one's spouse's family's stories become part of one's own story over time. That clarified a lot for me right there.

She also asked how it would be if I converted and continued to have doubts. I told her it would be pretty much like the rest of my life and I could live with that.

Afterwards, I was thinking about that some more, and I realized that I don't particularly trust anyone who has never had a doubt or a question about their religion. That way lies fanaticism, bigotry and worse.

This goes, of course, for many, if not all, aspects of life other than religion, which can be a frustrating way to live at times. One of our other rabbis once spoke about living in the doubt and how energizing he finds that. Sometimes I believe him, but sometimes, I just want to be sure. So I pick a few small things to be sure about (e.g. I like cats; I don't like coconut) so I can handle living in the doubt about the big things.