In the course of our rambling (due entirely to me) conversation, I mentioned how I often feel like I really have no right to claim Judaism because the Jewish story is not my story. Her take on it is that, other than blood family, nobody starts out in a community; we develop our own communities and enter others through conversation and shared experience. She likened converting to Judaism to becoming part of another person's family through marriage; one's spouse's family's stories become part of one's own story over time. That clarified a lot for me right there.
She also asked how it would be if I converted and continued to have doubts. I told her it would be pretty much like the rest of my life and I could live with that.
Afterwards, I was thinking about that some more, and I realized that I don't particularly trust anyone who has never had a doubt or a question about their religion. That way lies fanaticism, bigotry and worse.
This goes, of course, for many, if not all, aspects of life other than religion, which can be a frustrating way to live at times. One of our other rabbis once spoke about living in the doubt and how energizing he finds that. Sometimes I believe him, but sometimes, I just want to be sure. So I pick a few small things to be sure about (e.g. I like cats; I don't like coconut) so I can handle living in the doubt about the big things.
